Surfacing After Silence

Life. After.

History in Brief

I know many of you will have questions about me, my history, my recovery.  This blog was started primarily to discuss my recovery from anorexia and self-harm, the focus being on my recovery rather than the period of time that I was sick.  Maintaining all aspects of my health is often challenging due to having bipolar disorder I.

Regarding the anorexia, people ask, “Why did you get better?”  At first, I did it to prevent other people from grieving my death.  Then, I did it for me.  I did it for me because one day, someone asked me what I was doing.   I answered, “I’m in a Master’s program.”  But then I realized: I wasn’t in a Master’s program.  I was in the hospital.  For the second time since I had started that program.  Even when I was in class, I wasn’t really in class.  I was 2% student and 98% anorexic.  I realized I didn’t want to be known as “that girl” or “the sick girl” anymore.  If I was going to live, I wanted to really and fully live.  I wanted to be known as a writer, a friend, an aunt, a teacher, a knitter, and a whole list of other things.

I couldn’t do those other things until the anorexic inside of me was gone.  This journey of participating fully in life and leaving the anorexia and self-harm behind really is a journey, one that still continues.  While I’ve been fully recovered from the anorexia for ten years, I still experience days (or weeks or months) when I wish I could somehow just withdraw from the world around me.  Both the eating disorder and the self-harm allowed me to do so, but in ways that harmful to myself and others.  Learning how to live life without shutting down is a journey many people, with and without mental illness, struggle with.

I also have an extremely rare form of heart disease known as ARVD that basically means the muscle cells of my right ventricle are slowly dying.  There is no cure.  There is no treatment.  This has been influenced by the Bipolar Disorder and has influenced the Bipolar Disorder, sometimes making my thoughts and emotions about each difficult to express.

I feel extremely uncomfortable recommending any one form of treatment for anyone, for everyone is different and what works for some will not work for others. I will say one thing: Get treatment.  Talk to a professional.  Recovery is the scariest thing you will ever ever go through, but it is still much better than being sick. Recovery is a long process, and you deserve support during this time. 

If you need help finding and accessing treatment please check out this article on how to go about finding a therapist where you live.

 

“History in Brief” by wordle.net

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24 Comments »

  1. You are my mentor. I adore you, but hell you know that. Love you girl. And, I also don’t want to be known as “that girl”, or “the sick girl”-there is so much more to life. It’s tough but a tough battle I will GLADLY engage in.
    XO my friend. -K

    Comment by Kiersten | July 4, 2009 | Reply

  2. You have no idea how much this means to me. My entire life and through the very long course that my eating disorder has run thus far, I have never been told that I could be “recoverED”. Never once, and we’re talking about some of the worlds leading eating disorder specialists here. It’s been, “you can achieve recovery” or “recovery is worth it”. But never the finite exaction of recoverED. Never the idea that I could not only go back 100% to my healthy self, without fear of relapse, but I could excise the eating disorder from myself…permanently. This is why I live in fear of ever actually achieving “recovery”. Because what comes next after that? What happens? Why would I want to get to the point where I’m ok, but could always rebound even worse than before? Isn’t that just biding my time before I fall again? Your mentality is much, much healthier and it’s a really necessary one for people to read. I LOVE THIS.

    Comment by Lizz | July 12, 2009 | Reply

  3. wonderful job on choosing recovery. i really admire your courage!

    Comment by randomlymikey | August 8, 2009 | Reply

  4. Wow what an inspiration! I am suffering and trying my damn hardest to get better so I too can “choose life” and be known as the talented, driven, successful and fun person people actually want in their lives. I just started writing my own blog about it too (http://you-make-me-like-charity.blogspot.com) and that has helped concrete my learnings! Thank you for all your insightful posts and inspiring story 🙂
    Much love and best wishes xx Karin Winfield

    Comment by Karin Winfield | October 26, 2009 | Reply

  5. I got here via Facebook – I just wanted to say that this was really inspiring. Thank you.

    Comment by aquana | October 31, 2009 | Reply

    • Your welcome. Thank you for coming.

      Comment by surfacingaftersilence | October 31, 2009 | Reply

  6. This sounds so positive. I’m trying for recovery (though not from anorexia) and it’s so nice to read about someone who has made it through. I know exactly what you mean about not really being in class, about being taken over by something. I want to be a real person now, with a real life.

    Poppy xhttp://howtostophurting.blogspot.com/

    Comment by Poppy | November 25, 2009 | Reply

  7. wow. i remember you from facebook. way before you got better…i was, silently, in my head, competing with you.

    i’m so glad we’re both better.

    Comment by Potter | December 21, 2009 | Reply

  8. Greetings 🙂 I admire you for your courage and honesty, both in overcoming your eating disorder and in writing this amazing blog! I’m currently living with anorexia and I’m trying to find other adults who are living with eating disorders to network with. If you’re interested, please feel free to drop by my blog and leave comments or questions 😉

    Good luck with everything you do!

    Comment by anonymousana | January 15, 2010 | Reply

  9. Indeed nice article you have here. It would be nice to read a bit more concerning such theme. Thank you for posting that data.

    Olivia YOUNG
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    Comment by Olivia YOUNG | April 27, 2010 | Reply

  10. Thank you for sharing your postings. I find your recovery story inspiring.

    Comment by Angie | June 3, 2010 | Reply

  11. Rather nice site you’ve got here. Thank you for it. I like such themes and everything that is connected to them. I definitely want to read more soon.

    Kate Smith

    Comment by brunette lady | August 9, 2010 | Reply

  12. This read was really meaningful, the words was absolutely awesome! don’t stop writing.

    Comment by Kizzie Crouse | November 29, 2010 | Reply

  13. You have no idea how much this means to me. My entire life and through the very long course that my eating disorder has run thus far, I have never been told that I could be “recoverED”. Never once, and we’re talking about some of the worlds leading eating disorder specialists here. It’s been, “you can achieve recovery” or “recovery is worth it”. But never the finite exaction of recoverED. Never the idea that I could not only go back 100% to my healthy self, without fear of relapse, but I could excise the eating disorder from myself…permanently. This is why I live in fear of ever actually achieving “recovery”. Because what comes next after that? What happens? Why would I want to get to the point where I’m ok, but could always rebound even worse than before? Isn’t that just biding my time before I fall again? Your mentality is much, much healthier and it’s a really necessary one for people to read. I LOVE THIS.
    +1

    Comment by most.exciting.day.ever. | January 19, 2011 | Reply

  14. A simply wonderful and amazing blog…I love it. I am so glad I stumbled across it. It gives me hope. It makes me happy and it makes me think. You are an amazing writer and I am glad you gave up the anorexia and used your voice to encourage others to do so as well….THANK YOU!!!!!

    Comment by Kristin W | March 3, 2011 | Reply

  15. I just wanted to make a quick comment to say I’m glad I found your blog. Thanks

    Comment by Вибропогружение | April 3, 2011 | Reply

  16. This is a lot advice. I must say I like reading this a lot. It will help me to turn into better understanding about the subject. It is very well written. I am going to definitely find this content material pretty engaging. I am hoping you can provide more in the future.

    Comment by fast cash in 1 hour | April 8, 2011 | Reply

  17. As a Newbie, I am always searching online for articles that can help me. Thank you Wow! Thank you! I always wanted to write in my site something like that. Can I take part of your post to my blog?

    Comment by forex signals review | April 8, 2011 | Reply

    • I only ask that you provide a link to my blog.

      Comment by surfacingaftersilence | April 9, 2011 | Reply

  18. Can I just say what a aid to search out somebody who actually is aware of what theyre talking about on the internet. You positively know the best way to bring an issue to mild and make it important. More individuals must learn this and perceive this facet of the story. I cant imagine youre not more in style since you definitely have the gift.

    Comment by Aquaponic System | April 24, 2011 | Reply

  19. I’d must check with you here. Which is not one thing I usually do! I get pleasure from reading a publish that can make individuals think. Additionally, thanks for permitting me to remark!

    Comment by Aquaponics Systems | April 25, 2011 | Reply

  20. It is extremely interesting for me to read that blog. Thanks for it. I like such topics and anything that is connected to them. I would like to read a bit more on that blog soon.

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    Comment by Julia Simpson | April 30, 2011 | Reply

  21. I was sicker than some, not as sick as others. I’m alive, though, and a lot of people who were not as “visibly sick” as I was, are not. If the one thing you take away from this page is that you don’t have to be thin to die from an eating disorder, I’ll be happy.

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank You. THANK YOU.
    I have felt like an imposter for 17 years because only the really thin people are sick, right? And even when I found that holy grail and was being threatened with hospital, I was still not a proper sick person. I was an imposter.

    Sick is as sick does, not as it looks.

    Your blog is a gift.

    Jo x

    Comment by 3am Wisdom | May 1, 2011 | Reply

  22. I love this post and the way you write.
    I don’t want to be ‘that girl’ either.

    Comment by EDNOS | May 9, 2011 | Reply


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