Surfacing After Silence

Life. After.

A New Year. The Same Me.

This summer, I told myself that I was going to keep this blog up to date and chronicle a new phase of my life.  Seeing as my last post was in August, I haven’t really kept up to date.  I can list some excuses, such as increased work load, health problems, the phase of the moon, stubbing my big toe, but the actual reason is that I had no idea what to say. I started a lot of posts, but would then realize I had no idea how to finish the post in a nice, conclusive, thought-provoking manner.  I asked myself a lot of questions, and didn’t really find many answers.

But it is the beginning of 2018, and a new year seems to demand self-reflection.  I have to admit, I made some great choices in 2017.  I set a strict sleep routine in the beginning of the year, and made myself stick to it.  In the beginning, I didn’t let myself stay up late or sleep in at all.  Now I may stay up late one night–but I get up at my normal time, and I don’t stay up late the following night.  Turns out that my doctors were all right in that having a healthy sleep routine really does add to mental stability.  I walked more and did more yoga.  Even in the colder months.  I used to run in these frozen months and loved it–but walking doesn’t stir up those enkephalines and endorphins, so I don’t have much motivation to venture outside without the promise of an adrenaline rush.

My approach to yoga has also changed.  When I began yoga, I studied a rather strict yoga with a specific sequence of poses.  There was no variation.  There was little forgiveness.  You pushed as hard as you could for that given day.  Thanks to a yoga class I took this fall, I am learning to listen to what my body needs each and every day and to respond with poses and stretches that meet those needs.  My time on my mat is once more a fulfilling practice.

I taught eleven credits this fall, and I officiated volleyball and am getting ready for the track season.  There may have been difficult days and stretches of days, but there was no drama.  Some days, to be honest, I wished I could have gone ahead with just a little drama to get out of my responsibilities, but I chose not to do that.

Beginning in the spring, my physical body began changing into this current pre-menopausal self. My shape and my weight both changed, in ways I wasn’t prepared for.  And no, I didn’t like these changes.  But I am healthier-mentally, physically, and emotionally-than I have been at any other point in my life, and I don’t think this is separate from my weight and shape.  Do I like this new body?  Sometimes, yes.  Sometimes, no.  I accept this body, though, and I see the strength I have gained as a person.

So-changes happen to all of us.  Unexpected or expected.  Every day, every week, every year.  Some we can control.  Some we can’t.  changechangechangechangechange  As my facebook status the other day, I wrote, “For so many years, my resolutions were about changing behaviors–I was going to lose weight; I was going to stop purging; I was going to stop self-harm; I was going to run X miles every day; I was going to become flexible enough to do a certain pose in yoga; I was going to have a 4.0; I was going to blow my professors’ minds with my impressive writing skills. While I know my behaviors are not perfect today, my resolutions and desires and peace do not revolve around what I do.
My resolution this year is my intention to live each day in such a manner that feels right and good and true to who I am. That may look different from one day to the next, but everyday the world changes, and I must change with it to remain true to myself. There is no way to measure this intention except to live it, even after the failures and frustrations that will come my way. My intention is not to be perfect; my intention is to live.

I may not determine what changes and when, but I do determine how I respond to change.


January 3, 2018 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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