Surfacing After Silence

Life. After.

Meditation on the Stomach

Today as I was meditating, I accidentally stumbled upon an exercise that is probably a good one to hold on to, although it wasn’t very comfortable.  I was following my breath, feeling the rise and fall of my stomach as I normally do.  My mind was more than a tad restless this morning, though, and I was having problems (more than normal) staying with the breath.  So without really thinking about what I was doing, I rested my hands on my stomach so I could really feel the rise and fall of my stomach.

It took all of, oh maybe one second for the onslaught of negativity to begin.  My stomach wasn’t always this round.  Why is it so round now?  How could I let this happen?  There’s no muscle; it’s all just fat.  It’s disgusting.  I hate it . . .

This was all followed by the inevitable I have to change it.  I guess it shows some degree of progress that the next thought wasn’t I can’t eat lunch or even I have to do more situps.  Rather, I just had this vague notion of needing to change my stomach.  

The truth is my stomach is rounder than it ever has been.  As discussed in my previous entry, this is a result of one hell of a depression, med changes, and, most likely, age. 

And the truth is that I do want to change things, and I have made some minor lifestyle changes, but I don’t know if they’re going to help much. 

So as I was meditating, I had a strong urge to take my hands off my stomach and, thereby, stop all the negative thoughts.  But I didn’t.  I stayed with it, and for the first time in forever let the negative thoughts roll through, unimpeded and unembellished.  And I let myself really feel my stomach on a physical level, through the touch of my hands.  I let myself note the perceived excessive roundness and the softness. 

There were no grand resolutions during this morning’s meditation session.  Just discomfort.  And the knowledge that I needed to let myself feel this without numbing it away somehow.  I don’t know if by doing this, I’ll actually shift into liking my stomach, but I do need to work on accepting the fact that I don’t like my stomach.  


August 7, 2013 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , ,

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