Surfacing After Silence

Life. After.

Holiday Thanks

I’m sitting here in my living room, enjoying a hot cup of hot chocolate caramel with mini marshmallows.  This simple act of relaxing got me to thinking.

There was a time in my past when this would not have been a “simple act” and I certainly wouldn’t have typed “enjoying” in the same sentence as “hot chocolate.”  In fact, I most likely wouldn’t have had the hot chocolate or marshmallows in my apartment to begin with.  And, quite often during the holiday season, I wasn’t even in my own apartment; I was in the hospital.  

I read my newsfeed and see the disheartening posts, the hopelessness, and the fear.  Just because I am recovered doesn’t mean I am past these feelings.  I was blessed with bipolar disorder, and depression can be a real bitch, which not many people truly understand. 

But if you can take away one thing from this post, from this blog, I want it to be hope.  There really is a life beyond the eating disorder, and it really is possible.  Yes, it’s a long, uphill battle.  And yes, you will doubt yourself and the climb and the end result.  But that end result, it really is as good as everyone makes it out to be.  

Today I was listening to a song my Jars of Clay and it made me think about my undergraduate years and the fellowship group we had each week where we would get out our guitars and sing, and I realized I miss that time, and for a brief second I wished I could go back there.  But then I realized that I would have to go back to the person I was then, and I am not willing to do that. 

My life isn’t perfect.  I experience loss and heartbreak.  I want to walk away from life sometimes.  But I would never return to the anorexia, because that’s not a life, and I have a life now.  Full of happiness, sadness, gain, loss, regret, hope, success, and failure.  I am able to experience all of these things without numbing them out.  And although I have a long ways to go in my journey, I am free.

I am now able to give thanks for this cup of hot chocolate.  I am thankful for the family gathering next week.  I am thankful for the friend’s cookie baking get together last week.  I am thankful that I can meet friends for coffee and have something with my coffee if I choose.  I am thankful that I have grown and become the person I am today, faults and all.

This is possible for each and every one of you.  Recovery.  Life.  Freedom. 

This holiday season, give yourself the best give you could ever receive: the determination to become who you were meant to be.


December 15, 2012 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , ,

1 Comment »

  1. This is really beautiful. Thank you.

    Comment by youmakemefeelsick | December 15, 2012 | Reply

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