Surfacing After Silence

Life. After.

unfinished business


I always get a tad more philosophical in the weeks leading up to my cardiology appointments.  I start reminiscing more, and I start thinking about what I wish I’d done. 

Let’s face it: I was not a nice person when I was in the thick of my eating disorder.  I was selfish and stubborn and prideful and blind to what I was going through and what people were trying to say.  A lot of relationships didn’t make it through that time period.  I won’t say “It’s all my fault” and wax guilty because relationships are always two-sided, but I certainly played a major part in the crashing of the relationships. 

I’m pretty sure a lot of people in recovery could empathize with all of this.  For those of you in the thick of things, watching current relationships falter, you may want to look a little closer to home to understand why. 

So what’s the point to all this?  To emphasize the fact that people can change.  You do not have to stay trapped in the eating disorder forever.  Nor do you have to remain trapped in that personality.  In some ways, I think healing the self is a little more difficult than healing the eating disorder, but all of it is possible.  No matter how sick you are, how stuck you are, how long you’ve been trapped in the eating disorder–there is a way out.  When I was fighting my hardest, I think I could have had someone tell me that on a daily basis and it wouldn’t have been enough, hence my drilling it home another time here.

But here’s the neat thing that I’ve discovered:  We never stop changing and growing.  I look at the person I was four years ago when I moved here, post-recovery, and the person I am now, and they are two different people.  Related, but very different.  And I am grateful for that.  And I look forward to changing and growing some more in the time to come.

Can I change my past?  No.  I’ve made amends in some cases, but in some cases, all I can do is say, “Thank you for all you did do,” and “I’m sorry” and leave it at that, walking forward with new knowledge and the determination to apply that knowledge.  I can’t change my past, but I can change my future.

 

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August 9, 2012 - Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , ,

4 Comments »

  1. Yet again. I read exactly what I need to from you! Many friendships have failed because of my ED and I’m still trying to process loosing my best friend because of things and actions I did. But thank you. The encouragement is always welcome!

    Comment by Shannon | August 9, 2012 | Reply

  2. Wow – how did you know what I was thinking and going through? You speak the truth, Lex. I am definitely embarrassed by my past and the person that the eating disorder made me into… but I know that I’m not that person anymore and with time others will see it, too. ❤

    Comment by Lauren | August 9, 2012 | Reply

    • Lauren–Keep hanging in there. In the beginning, many people don’t accept the change as real or lasting, and it takes time and consistency to convince people that you are, indeed, a different person from back then. But don’t give up, because people do catch on. Lex

      Comment by surfacingaftersilence | August 9, 2012 | Reply

  3. So true, so simple, so darn hard to make those changes!

    Comment by mainbean | August 10, 2012 | Reply


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