Surfacing After Silence

Life. After.

paint a heart


Unfortunately, this is the only “video” of the song I could snag.  But the lyrics are listed under the video on the YouTube site.  Props for that?

Seriously, I’ve kind of felt like the past year-and-a-half could fall under the “not my year” category.  Cardiac diagnosis, surgery, a period of denial followed by the “what the fuck was I just diagnosed with and how I am supposed to live my life” depression and anger and confusion and bitterness, a near-relapse, and a depression that just keeps getting worse because the meds that have always worked seem to have stopped working.

I want a do-over.  Rewind time and let me go back to the Spring of 2009 and do it all over.  I can’t get rid of the faulty DNA, so the cardiac diagnosis would, unfortunately, still be there.  But I’d be ready for it.  I’d change the outcome somehow.

If only.  I can’t go back.  None of us can.  But we can go forward.  We can’t change what happened in the past, but we can change how we react to similar events in the future.  Sometimes we can make amends and repair relationships; sometimes we can’t.  Sometimes, we just have to grieve what was lost and cherish the good memories and move forward.

I’m not all for making New Year’s Resolutions.  If I see something in my life that needs changing, I’m not going to wait until the first of the year to do so.  But as I was driving back from Virginia yesterday, I was listening to this song.  People talk about Bucket Lists, and I think I’m going to make one.  I think I need to look forward to things more.  Not dwell on what might happen, but think about the things I could make happen.

Right now, caught up in the midst of a depression, it’s easy for me to listen the lines,

“Movies, TV screens reflect just what you expected
There’s a world of shiny people somewhere else
Out there following their bliss
Living easy, getting kissed
While you wonder what else you’re doing wrong”

But the words I need to listen to are:

“Breathe through it, write a list of desires
Make a toast, make a wish, slash some tires
Paint a heart repeating, beating, “Don’t give up, don’t give up.””

One thing that will be on my Bucket List is to actually pain a heart.  One repeating and beating the words, “Don’t give up.”  Whether or not my heart will keep beating is not in my hands.  I mean, I follow the doctor’s orders, but since we know so little about this illness, they’re precautions, not prescriptions for sure success.  And while I need to let myself feel all of the anger and confusion and bitterness and fear, I can’t live with those feelings all of the time.

Nor will I give up on this depression.  I’ve been working with my treatment team, and I trust them, and beginning next week, I’ll start ECT sessions again, this time with the knowledge that I may continue them on a maintenance basis.  My heart is beating, right now, and I refuse to settle for depression while it’s doing so.

2010 did have some good moments.  I made it through my first semester back at school, even though I almost walked away from it all on two occasions.  I saw my nephew and niece for the first time in a year-and-a-half at Christmas.  My parents came out to visit me.  My knee surgery went well and I can walk and do some ballet and not be in pain.  I knit hats for people who loved them, and that always makes me smile.

Even if 2010 was not the year I wanted, 2011 is right around the corner, and there are things I can do to make it the year I want.


December 29, 2010 - Posted by | coping, depression, health | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

1 Comment »

  1. That’s two great songs you’ve introduced me to now. Thank you. I loved it.

    I just recently wrote myself a “bucket list” of things I’d like to do. Because I’m lucky enough to be in a happy marriage with 2 kids and a job I enjoy my list had a lot of more frivilous things such as:

    Learn to train dogs.
    Visit Hawaii
    Learn to speak Spanish.

    Somedays I think about the Buddist philosophy that Life is Suffering. It seems sad to think about things this way, but I think it’s a good reminder that life isn’t meant to be easy. There are going to be harder years and easier years. The good news is that in the big picture things are bound to change, so keep looking forward and moving toward that change. Until then, keep listening to good music, knitting hats, and taking care of yourself.


    Comment by Alex | December 29, 2010 | Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: