Surfacing After Silence

Life. After.

semper mutabilis


I was as I was doing errands today that “ever changing” would be a good title for this blog entry. And then I thought, “Well, if the marines can have a Latin motto, so can I.”

Semper mutabilis. Always changing.

My entry last weekend was writing about the Brand New Alexis, the one who had her priorities in order and was going to stick by them as she enters this new semester.  Except that the exhaustion that I expressed in my previous entry only got worse as my week went on.  I woke up on Wednesday with that ache deep in my bones that I just could not shake no matter what I did that day.  Needless to say, I did not walk on Wednesday.

I had made myself walk on Tuesday.  “It’s my one hour of the day that must be protected at all costs.”  My time to recharge and renew and process.  I didn’t really want to walk on Tuesday, but it’s good for me, so I did.  And then woke up on Wednesday in the aforementioned state.  I did not walk on Thursday.  I finally laced up my walking shoes yesterday afternoon before curling up with dinner, swiftly followed by sleep.  My walk yesterday was shorter than my normal walk, and I do plan on walking today and tomorrow since I don’t have classes.

My goal/idea of walking every day as a stress reliever–both physically and mentally–was initially an excellent idea, one that could have helped me have a successful semester.  But now, with two weeks of classes under my belt, I realize that it would not be part of a successful semester.  It would only be one more thing I “have” to do each day and one more thing that creates exhaustion.

And so the plan has changed.  I highly doubt Monday and Wednesday will be walking days.  I just have too much going on, and then too much due the following days.  Thursdays will be touch and go, decided on Thursdays as I take a careful inventory of how I feel, what I need, and how much energy I can safely expend.  Fridays and Saturdays and Sundays are all mine.

Until, of course, the middle and end of the semester hit me and I wake up with that bone-aching exhaustion multiple times a week.  Then, I will probably once more change my plans.

This is the beauty of recovery.  I can listen to my body and respond appropriately.  There are no “shoulds” or “have tos” or “if you don’t then you’ll be wracked with guilts”.  There’s respect for my limits and a deep-rooted knowledge that I can give my body exactly what it needs.  No guilt strings attached.

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September 4, 2010 - Posted by | coping, Eating Disorders, health, mindfulness, recovery | , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

1 Comment »

  1. I just found your blog through the article about you that was posted on Carrie’s blog (ED Bites) and I wanted to say I am so glad I found it. I also went through treatment at Sheppart Pratt, and I am now in recovery. I am 22 years old, and I am at a huge point in my recovery–I took a year off of school and now I am back on campus, living in an apartment with roommates (I was at home with my family for the past year and a half), and I am “on my own” for the first time in awhile. It’s been difficult, but I’ve been really working hard to make it work.

    Anyway, I’m just glad I found a recovery blog with such a realistic, yet positive outlook. I will continue to read!

    Comment by Coco | September 6, 2010 | Reply


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