Surfacing After Silence

Life. After.

Getting Normal Back

questions, questions, questions and a bit of hope

So I’m starting a new journaling process, and one of the first exercises, or the first exercise was to come up with at least six questions you’d like answered by the end of the workbook.

Most of my answers didn’t surprise me as I’ve been writing about them in my regular journal for some time.  One question surprised me–not necessarily because of it’s existence, but because of the strength of the emotion fueling the question.  I think the topic in general has been on my mind lately, as evidenced by my previous blog post.

“While I no longer feel body-hatred associated with my size or shape, why do I now feel an intense body-hatred for the entire body itself?”

The first part of the question is a blessing.  Last time I was at my doctor’s, I looked at the number on the scale, still much higher than the ideal weight I’d been maintaining for four years, and thought, “If this is my new normal, this is okay.”  My body has gone through a lot in the past year, and we’re still working on the thyroid problem.  And, yes, folks, I am older.  Four years isn’t a long time, but quite often, thirty does seem to be a turning point for females.  So maybe thirty-two was mine.  I took my “ideal weight jeans” (so weird to write that and not write “skinny jeans” as I had for so long) out of my closet and put them into a box.  (My skinny jeans went to goodwill a good couple years ago.)  If we figure out this thyroid thing and they become my normal jeans again, so be it.  If not, I have jeans that fit me just fine right now and I’ll stick with them.

But the second part of the question.  The body-hatred in general.  I’ve come to think of my body as this thing I exist in.  And I’ve come to view this thing as quite defective.  There are days I have the thought, “why feed this body if it (the body) isn’t worth it?”  Notice my wording:  the body, it, thing. Not my body.  I keep thinking to myself this is not my body.  Not the one I know.  Not the one that can run a half-marathon with relative ease.  Not the one that can bike to the library to do work.  Not the one that can go to the wine bar with friends and relax and have a good time instead of feeling self-conscious and uncomfortable for having a glass of soda in my hands.  Anger is one of the main emotions I have right now, along with resignation.  And I think the resignation is what is getting to me, making me so tired.

The question I have is how do I heal this type of body-hatred.  My heart issue is hear to stay and will not get better.  Is it really just a matter of time?  I’ll get used to it and adjust and be okay with it all?  I’m so used to being active in that process.  There was a lot of work I did to get rid of the body-hatred associated with the eating disorder.  After years of therapy and hospitalizations, I had exercises to do, journaling prompts to follow, art projects to work on.

I don’t know the steps here.  I have no master plan.  All I have is anger and resignation and no outlet for those two things as of yet.  I don’t want the answer to be “it’ll take time.”  That makes me feel powerless.  I want to do something to help that process along.

I finally started feeling normal (yes, I realize there is no true normal), and now that feeling is gone.  I want it back.


May 17, 2010 - Posted by | Body Image, coping, heart, recovery | , , , , , , , ,


  1. Thyroid problems suck! My doc is adjusting my medication every 6 months or so, it does take a while to get it under control but you are doing so well dealing with it! I’m so proud of you. Big smile!

    Comment by David | May 17, 2010 | Reply

  2. *
    I wasn’t sure where I should *star* the entry. But I wanted to leave a comment so I’ll just leave it here.

    I’ve been reading your blog for quite some time-beore your heart diagnosis and treatment, deciding to take a break from school, the debilitating depresion and the recent hospitalizations. Each one of these things individually would be huge to deal with by itself, but all together? I’m overwhelmed simply thinking about them. (And I just hit the high lights.)

    It’s clear to me your body hatred isn’t eating disordered related. You’re searching for WHO you are now, since your heart diagnosis and all the things you lost. It’s natural for you to feel anger, and in my opinion, the more you tried to not be angry, the more depressed you’ve been.

    Maybe the only thing you can do is wait and hope you start to feel differently about your body. It may be a more passive process than when you were getting used to your body during recovey. I don’t know. I happen to think you’ve been more active than you’ve given yourself credit for, but I understand what you’re saying about wanting to help the process along.

    What I do know is if there is something that will help you, you’ll find it. In the meantime, I’m very confident you will find your way to be more content and the things you will learn about yourself will help you look back upon the journey as worthwhile.

    Comment by anonymous | May 17, 2010 | Reply

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