Surfacing After Silence

Life. After.

reconsidering being a stepper


Some of you may remember my post: Twelve Steps? What? Me? No Way. I talk about being somewhat (completely) resistant to the Twelve Step idea at Rader for the first few days I was there, until I got bored from the snow storm and decided to answer the questions in the workbook to pass the time.  Since then, I discovered In The Rooms, a fabulous site for addiction recovery with all different Fellowships, including one for Overeaters Anonymous and Eating Disorders Anonymous.  You can be in any stage in recovery to be part of this community, but it is definitely a pro-recovery site.  And I decided to visit.  And then join.  And participate.

My previous post mentioned how helpless I feel right now.  The depression is the worst it’s been since 97, and bad things happened back in 97.  I saw my interim psychiatrist, who is a resident, who told me that there is nothing that can be done with my meds, which I don’t believe for a second.  Her only suggestions were, “Call the outpatient clinic to do ECT and please call someone if you feel like you are going to hurt yourself.”  I did make the call to speak with the doctor I worked with during ECT this past winter.  And I am reconsidering it.  But to be honest, I don’t really know what to do.  I wandered around Barnes and Noble for 1 1/2 hours the other night and couldn’t decide on a book or magazine and walked out empty handed.  If I can’t make a decision about a book, given that I am passionate (usually) about reading, how am I supposed to make this decision?  My therapist is not against med changes or ECT, but he doesn’t want me putting all of my faith into either for a cure.  Which I’m not.  A cure I know is out of the picture, but relief is not.

One of the things I’ve returned to recently (a month or so) is an intensive daily Bible study, using the lectio divina style (yes, I did just post a link to wikipedia.  But it’s a fairly general description that serves my purpose).  And since I did learn a significant amount about myself and my spirituality by doing the workbook exercises at Rader, I think I’m going to continue with that work.  I know the Twelve Steps are not going to take away my depression, but I do have a workbook (Overeaters Anonymous) that is similar to what we used at Rader and it has questions for me to journal on and I think I will continue to learn about how I tick.  And maybe I’ll find some answers to help me through this time.  I’m certainly willing to follow some guided prompts if it will help me get through this time.

So maybe I’ll turn into a “stepper” after all.

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April 11, 2010 - Posted by | coping, Eating Disorders, faith | , , , , , , , , , ,

3 Comments »

  1. Alex,
    I fought 12 steps and swore they would not work for me. While in IOP I meet several girls who were active participants in a 12 step program. It slightly spiked my interest. I got out treatment and relapsed severely for over a month. At that point I was still in contact with some of those girls, and came to quickly realize that the “traditional” treatment for eating disorders and all the accompanying other issues that spring up, was not working for me. I wanted a solution and did not want to be sick anymore. So I went to an AA meeting (I am also an alcoholic). Since June I have been going several times a week. I take my issues with food and plug it right in for the alcohol when I am feeling symptomatic. This has kept my symptoms more at bay then meds, therapy, group, ect.

    Comment by chancensmiles | April 11, 2010 | Reply

  2. Great site. A lot of useful information here. I’m sending it to some friends!

    Comment by medical assistant | April 12, 2010 | Reply

  3. I’m not going to say too much, because you know well my opinion on the 12 steps. However, I did want to say that if you wanted someone to talk about it with or ask questions or how a specific step works, I’d be more than willing. After finishing the steps my purpose is to practice these principals in all my affairs and to pass on the message, so talking about it with people is very helpful to me in staying in sobriety and the freedom I have.

    The whole point of the twelve steps is to give you a spiritual experience – a connection to a higher power (whatever you choose to call it); so I think it’s great you are considering going back to the steps for the spiritual insight you desire.

    I know you love to read, so if you want some great information on each step specifically by the founders of the 12 steps, there’s a book called The 12 Steps and the 12 Traditions. We called it the 12 and 12. There’s a chapter in there for each step summarizing it and it’s purpose. I always read it with my sponsees when we start a new step. You might find it interesting/helpful.

    Comment by Amanda G-M | April 13, 2010 | Reply


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