Surfacing After Silence

Life. After.

Making me work again


Depression_by_nicoleatheart (deviantart.com)

So I’ve struggled with how to approach this post.  I’ve been mulling it over for the past couple days.  It all started with a couple of questions in my daily devotional that basically had to do with what parts of your life aren’t exactly where they should be.  When I read thought about that, I basically when “GARGH” and rested my head on the back of my sofa and stared up at the ceiling.

This depression has gotten to a point where it is controlling me and I am not controlling it.  By “controlling it” I mean that I was still able to function with a degree of ease that is not there right now.  Currently, making myself get out of bed everyday seems like an insurmountable task.  And then I have to convince myself to do something.  Anything.  But “anything” always takes such a great amount of effort and I spend hours debating whether or not I should attempt it.  It’s amazing how long I can stare at one spot on the wall.

This has affected my eating.  And here is where I struggle with how to define it.  One of the characteristics of depression is lack of appetite for some or excessive appetite for some.  And for me it’s lack of appetite.  And there’s the energy it takes to go to the fridge, open up the door, and decide which frozen dinner I want to stick in the microwave, well, that’s a lot of energy to expend.  And it requires that I get off the couch or bed.  But then there’s also the part of me that wants so badly not to feel anymore, because feeling this day after day is wearing me out.  And not eating is one way to not feel.  And depression increases all the negative body image thoughts–depression increases all negative thoughts–and I feel that incentive to “fix it” the old way.

I don’t know what to call what this is.  I’m certainly doing better than before I went to Rader, if you don’t count the depression and the desire to remain a lump nested within my comforter all day.  There’s part of me that wants to whine that this would not be happening if I had my normal treatment team.  Right now I cannot see two out of three of them because I’m on medical leave for a semester, and they are part of student health, so I have has substitutes since January and will until August.  And, like a lot of substitute teachers filling in for a day, they just don’t get it.  But then I question if it’s not my fault?  If I couldn’t be doing more to make myself better.  Except I just can’t figure out what that “more” is.  And thinking about doing more makes me tired.

I shouldn’t worry about what whatever this stage of my life is called.  And maybe it doesn’t matter what is causing it.  They’re just labels.  I need to find a way to make me work again.

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April 8, 2010 - Posted by | Eating Disorders, feelings | , , , , , , ,

3 Comments »

  1. Sorry the subs are not up to the task. I wish I could make you feel better. What’s one thing that you could do for yourself that you would enjoy (and is not self destrective)?

    Sorry not good at the whole taking care of myself thing, so it translates into these kinds of things. I hate it when the thrapist tells me this kind of thing, but it works sometimes.

    Comment by David | April 8, 2010 | Reply

  2. The fact that you are putting your feelings into words is proof that you ARE working, that even though you feel as though you have no energy to get up and do things, you are expending the energy (even though it might be mental energy) to talk about your hard times…..be proud of yourself that you have overcome some of this depression to be able to talk about it……we all know it would be easiest for you to just close your eyes and sleep through it, but you are not doing that now, you are talking about it, venting about it, reaching out for someone to listen………what can we do to help you through this?

    Comment by Ali | April 8, 2010 | Reply

  3. so true. I would go insane if I tried to label things that are going on in my life. But really- is there any point? All we want is to be free, right? Free to be ourselves and no longer that awful “sick girl” that really is a label we wish to get rid of… Hope you’re feeling better. Take care, Mamie x

    Comment by Mamie | April 11, 2010 | Reply


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