Surfacing After Silence

Life. After.

Feeling and Knowing

 This song was on my mind today as I was walking at the park.  A) I like the group.  B) I just like it.  But I like how this song can talk about feeling alone and knowing you’re not alone at the same time.  And I guess I relate to that right now.

I’ve noticed in the past few days that I’ve wanted to escape.  Put up walls.  Retreat.  Get away.  Run away.  There’s lots of words for it.  Mainly it consists of not wanting to feel what I am currently feeling.  What am I feeling?  A shitload of depression, that’s for sure.  I’m at the point where everything takes an extraordinary amount of effort.  It’s better than it was in December, I’ll admit that, because then I was having suicidal thoughts again, which is why I had the ECT.  So if it makes sense, the depression is at the same level but the suicidal thoughts are absent, which makes things better.  But I go to bed and wake up, and It (the depression) is still there.  I take a nap; It’s there.  I go for a walk; It’s still there.  I watch a television program to distract myself or play some stupid game on facebook and It’s still there.  And I want a break.

Normally, I’m a fairly happy person.  I’ve never been the giggly-hyper-do-cartwheels-and-walk-laughing-into-every-room kind of girl, but I can laugh and joke and smile in the appropriate situations.  And lately I can’t.  Sometimes the old me can break through, but it’s rare.  And I want to bring her back because that’s the Lexie people want to be around.  Let’s face it, this Lexie isn’t much fun.

And in the past, there have been three ways I make the old Lexie come out, even if it’s just an act.  Because acting like that Lexie when I feel like this takes a hell of a lot of energy and I need some additional help doing so.  Those three ways were restricting, over-exercising and self-harm.  Each in their own way, they allowed me to conserve all emotional energy so that when I needed to be the Happy Lexie, I could draw on that reserve and bamn! there the Happy Lexie was.

I’m eating.  I’ll be honest.  It’s been hard.  I don’t want to get out of my bed to make food.  I rely on frozen dinners a lot.  Which, in DBT terms is called “being effective and doing what works.”  I exercise.  I walk 1 1/2 hours a day.  Sounds like a lot, but at the pace I’m going, it’s not.  I got passed by a 60-year-old today.  That made me swallow my pride.  So, needless to say, I am not exercising to the point of producing a bunch of feel-high endorphins.  And I no longer carry razor blades with me wherever I go.  We’ve come a long long way in that department.

So I’m feeling this need to retreat/put up walls/run away/not feel but I know I can’t and I’m going to have to weather this through and have those crying sessions where I use up 1/3 of a tissue box.  Sometimes I feel sort of hopeless, that I’m meant to be depressed forever.  But I’ve felt that way before and eventually gotten back to normal.  I’m starting to wonder if I do need a medication adjustment.  We’ve gone on the “you’ve had a really difficult year and are adjusting to a lot of difficult things that affect your identity” theory (which is true) and so haven’t tried medicating this away.  We’ve been trying to solve the existential dilemma, I guess.  But maybe it’s time to tweak some things.

I just want normal to come soon.


March 31, 2010 - Posted by | coping, Eating Disorders, feelings, self harm | , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


  1. Just the fact that you are choosing to talk about your struggles, rather than act on them, shows how dedicated you are to overcoming this bout of depression and moving towards happier days. I know I have said this before, but you are an inspiration to so many and I hope you know that!

    Comment by Ali | March 31, 2010 | Reply

  2. i just wanted to say that i started my blog because i thought yours was so helpful and forward-looking.

    but i do understand what you mean about getting out of bed to make food. since i’m not working right now, i feel the same way sometimes. it’s hard. but i make myself, because that’s really the only option.

    Comment by jessa | April 1, 2010 | Reply

  3. Keep working through your struggles, it’s inspirational. I fully know how hard recovery can be, and how it has its ups-and-downs. I think it’s great that you’re doing what you have to do to work through food, and know how difficult that can be too. I remember one time when I was going through a relapse and period of depression where I sat down at the table and just cried… over a salad with salmon. Especially with food stuff, it can be difficult to pinpoint when things have gone awry again. I’m cheering you on!

    Comment by thereisthelettinggo | April 2, 2010 | Reply

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