Surfacing After Silence

Life. After.

How do I feel about myself?

So, I was going to blog about something else today, but someone on my Formspring page asked me how I felt about myself right now.  And it was a muddled answer, because there is no easy way to answer this question.

I wrote:

I am proud of myself for seeing that a relapse was inevitable if I didn’t get help and so I got that help. I am proud of myself for not really wanting to slip back. I love having the freedom from obsessions when I go out to eat with friends.

And all of these things are true.  I think I’m a pretty creative person, and that I’m intelligent.  I thrive on learning, and I like that about myself.

I also wrote:

I’m pretty depressed right now and lonely, and that always makes me feel worse about myself in general. And I’ve still got a lot of work to do on my body image/body distortion thoughts.

And all of these things are true.  I don’t think having body image distortions makes me any less recovered.  I mean, I spent the vast majority of my life thinking my body looked one way and now I’m challenging those ideas with reality.  That takes time.  And while I don’t obsess about what to eat when I go out with friends or anything, I’m bordering on obsessing about my weight again, because of the oddness and inexplicability of what is going on with it, and I don’t like that about myself.  I feel like being in the hospital twice in the winter for depression and ECT and then at the Rader program for three weeks in January/February has put this “social piranha” label on me and I feel like I’ve become the unstable/crazy one that people want to avoid.  So these thoughts bring me down a lot.

I also wrote, “I’m excited for school to start in the fall. I miss it. I love teaching. And I think I’m a good teacher. And I want that drive in my life back.”  I do think I’m a good teacher, and my student evals have supported that.  And I am missing that thrill I get while I’m on campus and studying and writing and teaching and going to class.  It’s this vibe I get, and yes, it may be nerdy, but it’s one of the things I like about myself.

So thoughts about myself are pretty much convoluted and jump between positive and negative all the time right now.  I can logically know that depression is a major cause of this because major depression (I have Bipolar disorder) is a bitch, but my feelings often win out.

So there’s a better explanation to the “how do you feel about yourself” question.  And there’s probably more to it that I’m not seeing/feeling right now.  And it probably changes on a frequent basis.  But it is what it is.  For now.


March 23, 2010 - Posted by | Body Image, feelings, identity, recovery | , , , , , , , ,

1 Comment »

  1. […] How do I feel about myself? « Surfacing After Silence […]

    Pingback by Weight and SelfEsteem | March 23, 2010 | Reply

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