Surfacing After Silence

Life. After.

guilty update number two

Here's another one for you, David

So another update.  I’ve been avoiding this one.  I struggle with the feelings of guilt and shame and feel like I’m letting my readers down.  I also am in the process of second-guessing myself, which is always such a fun process.

Things have not gotten better.  In fact, things have gotten worse.  Without going into a list of symptoms, which I always feel just initiates a “yeah, well I’m doing this” mentality in some people, I’ll just say that things are really not good.

So tomorrow I am calling two treatment facilities.  I’m not at a low weight like I was every other time I went inpatient.  And the symptoms haven’t been hanging around as long.  But they did come on full-strength right away this time.  And I don’t know how much resilience my body has anymore.  I know it can’t handle a relapse like my previous two.  And the last thing I want to feel is the sensation of being kicked in the chest as my defibrillator goes off because I went into VTach because my electrolytes are out of whack.  I’m scared of the speed of progression this time, and I’m scared that I can’t stop it on my own.  And I’m hoping that if I go in sooner rather than later, things will be “easier.”  Not that it’s ever easy.   But shorter.  Shorter would be nice.

And yes, I am second guessing myself.  Maybe I can do this on my own, outpatient.  Maybe I should just pull myself out of it and not rely on inpatient treatment.  Maybe I need to just grow up and stop this shit.  (None of these thoughts make any logical sense, I fully realize that.)

I do know I can’t continue what I’m doing.  And deep down I know the futility of doing this on my own.  I love my therapist, but he can’t sit with me three times a day, seven days a week, and stay with me for an hour after each meal.

So I make the phone calls tomorrow.  I start this process all over again.  I wish someone else could make these calls for me, because I’m just plain tired.  But I’ll be an adult.  I will make the calls.  I will put my name on the waiting list.  And I will go.


January 24, 2010 - Posted by | Eating Disorders, health, heart, recovery | , , , , , , , , , , ,


  1. I think what you’re doing is extremely brave and very admirable. I’m sorry things have been such a struggle lately. I know how shitty that feels. However, one of the most important pieces of recovery is noticing red flags before they get way out of control, and it sounds like that’s exactly what you did. I had a very difficult time noticing them and by the time I did, my relapse was already WELL underway.

    No second guessing. Go straight for inpatient and nip it in the bud, full force. You’ve got this. You clearly want it. Go in there and kick ass. 🙂

    Comment by emmy | January 24, 2010 | Reply

  2. You ARE doing the right thing!

    Comment by Millie | January 24, 2010 | Reply

  3. Your blog continues to help me, even while you are struggling. You are showing your readers what to do when things start to get bad. Thank you for your honesty and thank you for reaching out for help.

    It seems that second guessing oneself will always be a part of the admission process for eating disorder treatment. I too feel I should be able to “snap out of this” as an outpatient. Then there is the whole “I don’t want to go into treatment at this weight” thought. I would really like to kick that thought in the ass.

    Good luck with the phone calls tomorrow. I think you are doing the right thing.

    Comment by Kristin | January 24, 2010 | Reply

    • I agree – your blog is helpful because it is HONEST – seeing you being honest with yourself is very helpful for me, b/c it encourages me to do the same with myself.

      Comment by Anonymous | January 24, 2010 | Reply

  4. I give you credit for doing what you need to. The earlier you stop the slipping, the better. I wish you lots of success getting in & doing what needs to be done.

    Comment by Carrie | January 24, 2010 | Reply

  5. I am proud of you for making the choice to call and go inpatient Alexis, and I know you’re going to anyways, but try not to second guess yourself too much. If any iota of thought is in your head about needing inpatient treatment, then you do. Hang in there and let me know if you need anything.

    Comment by Nikita | January 24, 2010 | Reply

  6. You said you “feel like I’m letting my readers down.” If anything, I think it makes you more real. You’re not pretending. We all know that it’s a continuous process, things happen.

    And you’re not letting anyone down.

    I wish you luck on making the phone calls tomorrow. It’s definitely a hard choice to make, but I admire your willingness to fight back.

    Comment by Jen | January 24, 2010 | Reply

  7. I’m so proud of you Lexie! Please never feel that you are letting anyone down. If anything you are giving your readers the courage to do the same with their lives. I have been there many times…second guessing myself…thinking I should be able to pick myself up, I should be strong and do it myself, ect., but in reality I am being strong by taking the power and getting help. I admire you and how much strength you have. Remember you have a lot of people that have your back and who love you! Including me ❤

    Comment by Jenn | January 24, 2010 | Reply

  8. I think a HUGE part of recovery is learning when we need to ask for support and following through with that. Kudos for your bravery here! I’m sorry to hear that you have been struggling, and you are absolutely doing the recovery-oriented thing.

    Good luck with the phone calls today! Also, remember that there are levels of treatment between inpatient and outpatient – partial-hospitalization programs, day programs, and intensive outpatient programs. Maybe one of those could give you the level of support you need and give you a bit more responsibility in getting back on track? I’m sure the level of care specialists at the places you call can help you determine what’s right. GOOD LUCK!!

    Comment by sayhealth | January 25, 2010 | Reply

  9. I support you a million times over Lex. Like Emmy said, it is about noticing the red flags and you aren’t letting anyone down. You are showing how brave you are and how vigilant we all have to be about our health and recovery. You are one of the strongest people I know. If I could make the calls for you I would. This is a minor set back, a bump in the road of life.
    Lots of love and hugs and support. Kiersten

    Comment by Kiersten | January 25, 2010 | Reply

  10. Sending love and support your way. I am so glad you’re reaching out now, as opposed until waiting until it got worse. I hope it all goes well. Keep me updated. Claire

    Comment by gainingandgrowing | January 25, 2010 | Reply

  11. I think you’re showing your readers how strong and self-aware you are. Good for you and good luck. Much love.

    Comment by Jess K | January 25, 2010 | Reply

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