Surfacing After Silence

Life. After.


really have no idea why i chose this picture, but i like it. and yes, it is me.

I’ve been rather silent here lately.  Guilt is a prime motivator in my life.

I have not been doing all that well.  Three weeks ago I saw my favorite PCP for the last time, or at least until I’m a student again.  I weighed in at my highest weight.  Ever.  And not just by one or two pounds.  The number shouldn’t have been that much of a shock since I’ve had to weed out my closet and put clothes that no longer fit in storage.  I’m not talking about being on the high end of normal.  And while I know the BMI scale has its limitations, I’m not even on the high end of normal.  I’m well into the “overweight” category.  This is not good for me mentally or for my heart.

It took me two years of maintaining my ideal weight to finally be okay with it.  There are possible explanations: hypothyroidism, depoprovera.  I’m now on synthroid, which has not helped.  And we stopped the depo shots.

I saw my new PCP on Monday, who supposedly specializes in adults with eating disorders.  I hope she doesn’t talk to all of them as she talked to me.  Her advice, without asking what I was already doing to help the situation was “exercise more vigorously and eat less.”  When I told her I can’t get my heartrate above a certain, rather low, level, she said, “That just doesn’t make sense to me.”  When I tried explaining the ARVD, she just shook her head in disbelief.

I haven’t reacted well.  I will admit that.  I haven’t eaten that well lately.  The only advice I can get from my treatment team is “be patient,” which I’ve been hearing since June, only to see my weight continue to leap upwards on each visit.  I can’t afford to see a nutritionist; paying my electricity and gas and phone bills is gonna be tough enough.

I have been 100% honest with my therapist and psychiatrist.  I’ll give myself credit for that one.  But I will admit to feeling rather hypocritical given the nature of this blog, which has resulted in my silence.  But I decided to just lay it out there and be honest here, too.  I have not relapsed, but I am struggling a bit.  I’m talking to my team, the two members who will listen, and I’m taking small steps to rectify the situation.

“exercise more vigorously and eat less.”  This one’s going down in the record books.


January 13, 2010 - Posted by | Body Image, Eating Disorders, recovery, therapy | , , , , , , , , , , , ,


  1. You will get through this, Lexie. I wondered why you hadn’t written lately, but I, like all your other readers, will be here waiting when you get back.

    Comment by Neesha/Dustin | January 13, 2010 | Reply

  2. I think it would be hypocritical to talk about eating disorders and NOT talk about the struggles and even relapses. Even the most committed of us have been through at least a few if not many. It doesn’t make us less recovery oriented, all illnesses have ups and downs. It doesn’t make us bad people to talk about recovery and not be able to perfect it. I know because I have been struggling also and it just makes me sad and mad and frustrated but I know the only way to get through it is to face it so I am proud of you for taking a step in that direction and I am proud of all of us who keep on trying.

    Comment by kkessa | January 13, 2010 | Reply

  3. Progress, not perfection.

    Comment by Sally | January 14, 2010 | Reply

  4. You need to bop the doc in the nose and RUN to another one. That was totaly wrong of them to say.

    And on a side note, how the heck to you get feet that way? I tried and I think I popped my hip out of it’s socket! I’m going to go and get some ice and cry now.

    Comment by David | January 14, 2010 | Reply

  5. i’ve missed reading your blogs and was wondering why you hadn’t written lately. i’m glad that you explained whats going on and even more glad that your team is aware. i agree with the post above and dont feel it is hypocritical of you at all to talk about struggles. keep taking those steps forward, no matter how small ❤

    Comment by Emily | January 14, 2010 | Reply

  6. i appreciate your blog and your will to trudge on. i have recently started my own recovery blog but im just starting to blog 2 years into recovery…it does get easier with time but its a continuous battle

    Comment by malpaz | January 17, 2010 | Reply

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