Surfacing After Silence

Life. After.

mad packing

Brookhaven/Rader Program, Tulsa, OK

Doesn’t it look so pretty?  They always make the pictures in the promotional material look like you’ll be attending some resort rather than a treatment facility where you’re not allowed to have sneakers because the shoestrings are dangerous.

Brookhaven Hospital

201 South Garnett

Tulsa, OK 74128

c/0 Alexis Katchuk

Do not send me weapons of any sort, food items, anything sharp, pills, or hand grenades.  Use common sense.  We can’t have psych patients running around with a bunch of exacto knives.  And although Valentine’s Day is coming up, the SweetHearts will have to wait until after the 14th.

Seriously, I’m nervous, ready, impatient, scared, relieved, and I doubt I will sleep very well tonight.  Deciding what books to take is always a bitch.  I went to buy a new journal since my current one is almost done.  I write in a very specific journal and they were out.  I had to settle for the soft cover version.

I leave tomorrow morning at 6 for the Rader Program in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I have my ipod charged and ready to go, although I won’t be able to have it on the unit 😦  No electronics of any sort.  I am trying to tell myself this is a way to get in touch with my inner self.  I’d say it would be a way to get back in touch with nature but it’s still a bit cold outside and I don’t think they’ll let me just wander outside whenever I want.

This entry is rather lighthearted in nature.  It’s my way of dealing right now.  I will pack.  I will choose my books.  I will tuck in my watercolors and colored pencils.  I will make sure I have enough of my black felt tip markers by Bic, the only pens I journal with, to get me through the next millennium.


January 26, 2010 Posted by | Eating Disorders, recovery, therapy | , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Recovery Books


So I”m going to make a recovery book, inspired in part by the Recovery Book group on facebook and my friend Katie’s “inchies.”  My book will be a folding book the size of inchies with my own artwork in the form of colored pencils and watercolors and whatnot with some inspirational quotes.

So, my quest for you all is to shoot me some inspirational quotes, keeping in mind that I will not have a great deal of space to write them on.

I promise to show the finished result.

January 25, 2010 Posted by | coping, Eating Disorders, recovery, therapy | , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

guilty update number two

Here's another one for you, David

So another update.  I’ve been avoiding this one.  I struggle with the feelings of guilt and shame and feel like I’m letting my readers down.  I also am in the process of second-guessing myself, which is always such a fun process.

Things have not gotten better.  In fact, things have gotten worse.  Without going into a list of symptoms, which I always feel just initiates a “yeah, well I’m doing this” mentality in some people, I’ll just say that things are really not good.

So tomorrow I am calling two treatment facilities.  I’m not at a low weight like I was every other time I went inpatient.  And the symptoms haven’t been hanging around as long.  But they did come on full-strength right away this time.  And I don’t know how much resilience my body has anymore.  I know it can’t handle a relapse like my previous two.  And the last thing I want to feel is the sensation of being kicked in the chest as my defibrillator goes off because I went into VTach because my electrolytes are out of whack.  I’m scared of the speed of progression this time, and I’m scared that I can’t stop it on my own.  And I’m hoping that if I go in sooner rather than later, things will be “easier.”  Not that it’s ever easy.   But shorter.  Shorter would be nice.

And yes, I am second guessing myself.  Maybe I can do this on my own, outpatient.  Maybe I should just pull myself out of it and not rely on inpatient treatment.  Maybe I need to just grow up and stop this shit.  (None of these thoughts make any logical sense, I fully realize that.)

I do know I can’t continue what I’m doing.  And deep down I know the futility of doing this on my own.  I love my therapist, but he can’t sit with me three times a day, seven days a week, and stay with me for an hour after each meal.

So I make the phone calls tomorrow.  I start this process all over again.  I wish someone else could make these calls for me, because I’m just plain tired.  But I’ll be an adult.  I will make the calls.  I will put my name on the waiting list.  And I will go.

January 24, 2010 Posted by | Eating Disorders, health, heart, recovery | , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments


really have no idea why i chose this picture, but i like it. and yes, it is me.

I’ve been rather silent here lately.  Guilt is a prime motivator in my life.

I have not been doing all that well.  Three weeks ago I saw my favorite PCP for the last time, or at least until I’m a student again.  I weighed in at my highest weight.  Ever.  And not just by one or two pounds.  The number shouldn’t have been that much of a shock since I’ve had to weed out my closet and put clothes that no longer fit in storage.  I’m not talking about being on the high end of normal.  And while I know the BMI scale has its limitations, I’m not even on the high end of normal.  I’m well into the “overweight” category.  This is not good for me mentally or for my heart.

It took me two years of maintaining my ideal weight to finally be okay with it.  There are possible explanations: hypothyroidism, depoprovera.  I’m now on synthroid, which has not helped.  And we stopped the depo shots.

I saw my new PCP on Monday, who supposedly specializes in adults with eating disorders.  I hope she doesn’t talk to all of them as she talked to me.  Her advice, without asking what I was already doing to help the situation was “exercise more vigorously and eat less.”  When I told her I can’t get my heartrate above a certain, rather low, level, she said, “That just doesn’t make sense to me.”  When I tried explaining the ARVD, she just shook her head in disbelief.

I haven’t reacted well.  I will admit that.  I haven’t eaten that well lately.  The only advice I can get from my treatment team is “be patient,” which I’ve been hearing since June, only to see my weight continue to leap upwards on each visit.  I can’t afford to see a nutritionist; paying my electricity and gas and phone bills is gonna be tough enough.

I have been 100% honest with my therapist and psychiatrist.  I’ll give myself credit for that one.  But I will admit to feeling rather hypocritical given the nature of this blog, which has resulted in my silence.  But I decided to just lay it out there and be honest here, too.  I have not relapsed, but I am struggling a bit.  I’m talking to my team, the two members who will listen, and I’m taking small steps to rectify the situation.

“exercise more vigorously and eat less.”  This one’s going down in the record books.

January 13, 2010 Posted by | Body Image, Eating Disorders, recovery, therapy | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments