Surfacing After Silence

Life. After.

dare yourself

Here are some of my dance shoes: a couple of pair of pointe shoes (one pair was worn a grand total of one time before I knew they were totally wrong for my feet), some leather soft shoes and a lone pair of black canvas soft shoes.  And some extra ribbon.  My cardiologist has given me permission to take a barre class if I can find one that I like.  Perhaps in time I can build up to some center work as well.  So that’s one of my goals for the new year: find an appropriate ballet class.

I’ve noticed on Facebook the New Year’s groups starting to spring up.  Things along the line of “Kick Ed’s Ass in 2010.”  I like the intention of groups like this one, but I wonder if the focus is in the right place.  Fighting the eating disorder is certainly important, please don’t think I’m saying otherwise.  But for New Year’s Resolution groups, I feel like the focus should be on adding something to your life.  Because taking away the eating disorder is wonderful and necessary, but if you don’t have something to replace it, you will be left with a giant hole that aches something fierce.

I want people to start the New Year off looking for something to fill that hole. Even if you haven’t given up all of the eating disorder yet, start filling the hole.  You may have to draw on hobbies you enjoyed before you were sick, or you may have to pick up something new.  But there will have to be something.  Something you love to do, something that thrills you, something that makes you feel whole, something that maybe no one else enjoys but you do.

I know when I gave up  my eating disorder, I wanted one thing to replace the one thing I was giving up, but I found that there is nothing in this world that is shaped exactly like the hole the eating disorder left.  This is something that I don’t think is talked about enough, the fact that nothing will fill the eating disorder’s role in your life–and nothing should.  The eating disorder is a destructive force, and yes, it is going to leave one hell of a raggedy shaped hole when you finally let it go.  But that’s the beauty of being a well-rounded person: you can have lots of little things that can sneak into those odd shaped nooks and crannies and before you know it, that space will be filled, and you will have a lot more to fall back on.

I’d love for someone to start a group with the intention of trying something new each week or each month.  We were focused on the eating disorder for so long; now it’s time to open up the windows and doors and step outside of that closed off world.  Step outside, breathe fresh air, let the breeze roll over your skin.  Look around you and dare yourself to do something new.


December 21, 2009 - Posted by | Eating Disorders, identity, recovery | , , , , , , , , , , ,


  1. It’s been so hard for me to find replacements for both the ED and SI. Because, you’re right, I can do all the hobbies in the world but nothing is quite the same… And it’s been hard for me to accept that.

    Comment by Andi | December 21, 2009 | Reply

  2. I have always had something besides my ED although often my ED threated to take over. I think the analogy is right on about the gimongous hole and the bits and pieces that fill it. When I tried to fill it with one thing, I always was left wanting, now I try to fill it with various other things and usually it is a hole well filled. I dare myself to do something I have never done before this year beyond the mundane. I am going to have to think a little on what that might be but I am thinking something outside maybe sailing or parasailing. I have been working on incorporating cooking and art in my life more so maybe I can throw those in there some more as well.

    Comment by kkessa | December 22, 2009 | Reply

  3. For me the hole could only have been filled by spiritual life. I don’t know why this isn’t mentioned very often, maybe people are scared of being seen as pushing God on others. That is far from my purpose, but to speak honestly from my experience, I have to talk about spiritual principles. I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t found something bigger than me I could trust in and turn to.

    Faith has been instrumental not only in starting recovery but staying in it. Even though my life is 180 degrees from where it was a year ago, things aren’t perfect. Life still happens and I have to have a way to cope emotionally when it does. For this girl, that’s a relationship with a higher power. 🙂

    Comment by Amanda G-M | December 22, 2009 | Reply

  4. Try to do something for the Other, it can help have love&compassion for the suffering of the other than of ourselves … We are not alone, the suffering of one is the suffering of all, we are mirrors in different moments, sooner or later the pain of been alive will catch all of us… Meanwhile we can love, share a piece of happiness , show our presence and understanding…
    Feel better, live with all your heart…

    Comment by Mirta | December 23, 2009 | Reply

  5. […] a power all its own2011 Summer Intensive Auditions!ballet barre exercisesNo words to describe thisdare yourself // .broken_link, a.broken_link { text-decoration: line-through; […]

    Pingback by Pirouettes - Ballet Class Music | September 28, 2011 | Reply

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