Surfacing After Silence

Life. After.

delayed giving of thanks

I have to admit that this whole giving of thanks thing was a bit more difficult this year.  I’m 1,000 miles away from my family because I chose to do the adult thing and have a job.  I will also be away from them on Christmas morning, but at least it won’t be because I’m in the hospital.  So there’s one thing of thanks right there.

On Thanksgiving morning, I drove to my friends’ house to feed their dogs and let them out for a brief run.  On my drive back to my own place, I saw several runners.  This did not help my mood at all.  Ever since I was a runner-around the age of 12–I would go for a run on all holidays.  I can’t really explain it.  New Year’s Day was the most important one–getting the new year off on the right foot.  My dad always runs on holidays, and I learned to run with him, so maybe that’s my explanation.  But over time it just felt right.

So I see these people running and this feeling of bitterness creeps up inside of me.  A bit of anger, too. “If I can’t run, then they shouldn’t be able to, either.”  I know that is highly illogical and unrealistic and I really do support my friends who are runners.  But sometimes it just plain sucks knowing that I will not run again.  It sucks knowing that it wasn’t really my choice.  I mean, I could go for a run.  No one is going to stop me.  But the knowledge of what could happen on that run does stop me.  It’s a part of my life I still miss.

But wallowing in self-pity over something that isn’t going to go away for the rest of your life isn’t always that helpful.  So here are some things I am thankful for:

  • I have an amazing group of friends, both here in Missouri and back on the east coast.
  • Even though I am taking a year off of school, I am becoming happier with this program.
  • I have a part time job I like, with coworkers who have taught me a great deal in two short weeks.
  • I love my cats!  (Their page has been updated, by the way)
  • I am healing.
  • I have Lily (the ICD), and while she may feel like a pain in the ass sometimes, it is a relief knowing she is there.
  • I can knit, crochet, and bead with the best of them and am almost finished making my very first pair of socks.
  • I can enjoy the holidays and go to parties without worrying about how much to eat and what to eat and who is watching.
  • I will always be thankful for life without an eating disorder, regardless of the time of year.

The list is incomplete, but at 8 am with only one cup of coffee in me, it’s a pretty good list!  It is the holiday season, and I’m going to make the best of it.  I have decorations up–the christmas moose are out in plenty and my two Build a Bears have their party get ups on.


December 2, 2009 - Posted by | Eating Disorders, recovery | , , , , , , , ,


  1. Lexi~ This was beautiful in its honesty. I can feel your pain and your yearning, both are palpable. Merry Christmas. (isn’t wordle tres cool)…

    Comment by Anthony | December 3, 2009 | Reply

  2. Will you post a picture of the socks when you’re done with them? (I’m a knitter too, and love seeing others work.)

    Comment by tigerbean | December 3, 2009 | Reply

  3. You post is beautiful (and I love wordle–is that where you made you word images?) . I completely understand about running as I have not been able to–but, I remind myself that, maybe one day I can go running to my heart’s desires again. But, yes, it is very upsetting!

    Comment by imaginenamaste | December 6, 2009 | Reply

  4. thanks for the update, i had been wondering how you were doing.

    Comment by janie | December 12, 2009 | Reply

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