Surfacing After Silence

Life. After.



Faith.  Before you all go run for cover and cry, “Not another Jesus Freak trying to tell me if I prayed harder God would heal me,” please pause and read.

Yes, I am a Christian.  Although, when I think about it, I wonder if the mentor who first introduced me to Christ would say I am a Christian still, or if I’ve allowed too much worldly influence into my spiritual beliefs.

I mean, look at the tattoo on my left wrist, written in Sanskrit that translates roughly: I acknowledge the divinity within me.  I suppose we could Christianize that with the Holy Spirit residing in each one of us.  But I was reading a Bible in the store the other day and it said that people who worship the “inner divine” were idol worshipers and there was no place for them in heaven.

(My definition of God is not necessarily the Christian God.  Or even that God is singular.  There are many civilizations who worship many Gods, people who have never been exposed to the Christian God.  And who is to say that “my” God isn’t the same God that an Indian is bowing to across the world?  I don’t feel comfortable making that call anymore.)

You know, it took me a long long time before I could acknowledge the divinity with me.  For the twelve years I was actively anorexic, there was no divine presence within me at all.  And my connection with God was shaky at best.  My connection with people in my life was shaky, so how could I connect with someone I couldn’t see and touch?  And I was aware of this absence, but I was also more focused on the eating disorder.

Lately, I’ve been pulled to return to some formal study.  Private study, reflection time, lectia divino, whatever you want to call it.  I obviously did not pick the study Bible that said I was an idol worshipper and was lacking a place in heaven.  I picked a study Bible that is geared toward women in their 20s and 30s and it’s about identity.  Not labeling myself as “a PhD student” or “a graduate instructor” or “an aunt.”  Just me and my God.

I’ve just felt a little discontented lately–several months lately.  There’s been periods of joy, but joy and happiness and sadness and anger are all emotions that come and go.  Contentment is a feeling of “this is good where I am.”  And I’m hoping that re-opening this aspect in my life will allow me to do so.


September 20, 2009 - Posted by | Eating Disorders, feelings, identity | , , , , , , , , , , , ,


  1. I have always loved and admired your tattoo! I’ve thought many times about getting “heal” in sanskrit tattooed on myself. I’ve been a Christian for 4 years now, but until I entered active recovery I hadn’t really found the comfort and stability in God that I seek out now. I think it’s because my eating disorder, and other various addictions, were so BIG in my life, they became my Higher Power and there just wasn’t room for God.

    Thinking of you,
    Amanda G-M

    Comment by happyjoyousfree | September 20, 2009 | Reply

  2. I find myself leaning much more toward Buddhism lately… I no longer see the value in being or doing “good” simply because I fear or want to please a divine being. If I cannot do or be good for the simple sake of doing or being good, because it is the best thing for myself and for those around me, then what good is there, really, in who I am and in what I do?

    Idk. Faith is a shaky topic for me, at best.

    Comment by K | September 21, 2009 | Reply

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