Surfacing After Silence

Life. After.

“It Never Goes Away”

As I said in a previous post, what is my recovery may not be your recovery.  One of the comments on my last post referred to how the problems with body image and not knowing your size and the discomfort with shopping–“it never goes away.”  This entry not meant to criticize the commenter; it’s just being used as a jumping off point. 

“It never goes away.”  I refuse to believe this.  It’s just simply not good enough for me.  I refuse to live a compromised life, and anxiety while going shopping, or any degree of body dissatisfaction, it’s just not good enough.  And I don’t believe these things will always be here.  Yes, I am recovered.  But I am still in therapy.  That’s because the eating disorder really is just a bunch of symptoms covering up the real problem.  And you can deal with the underlying problem until the symptoms have been taken care of.  The way I like to think about body image issues right now is comparing it to a mosquito bite.  The most noticeable problem is the bite–or the life threatening behaviors and symptoms of the eating disorder.  The itch is what remains, that annoying reminder of something that used to be there but will eventually go away as well.  The body image issues are that itch.  

I do not believe I have to live with this dissatisfaction.  I believe there are steps I can take to complete eradicate it.  This involves cognitive therapy, changing the way I think about myself.  Challenging myself to step outside of my previous comfort zones and slip into something other than an oversized hoodie.  One thing I almost never wore while I was sick were skirts, especially skirts that fell above the knee.  Now, I have a closet full of them.  I have to say that I look good in them.  I never would have said this before.  I could not fathom taking pride in my body; I couldn’t fathom feeling anything other than shame about my body.  Granted, this pride is not an every day occurrence now, but it’s happening.  

And that is progress.


July 22, 2009 - Posted by | Body Image, Eating Disorders | , , , , , ,


  1. I agree, I cannot stand when people-and even worse doctors say that it will always be something you struggle with for the rest of your life. That just makes you not want to fight ya know. I gives you a chance to make excuses or mess up. I just want to tell everyone to fight hard and don’t live your life consumed by an ED there so many more things that deserve your attention!
    Stay Strong and don’t give up fighting, full recovery is possible!

    Comment by Nichole | July 22, 2009 | Reply

  2. “The itch is what remains, that annoying reminder of something that used to be there but will eventually go away as well. The body image issues are that itch.”

    Thank you for writing that. It’s perfect.

    Comment by Andi | July 24, 2009 | Reply

  3. I completely agree. I’ve been in recovery for 9 months next month and I too experience confidence I never found before. Some days are easier than others, but I have to say that things are definitely improving rather than deteriorating or plateauing. The way I consider it, if things are better today than they were in November that gives evidence that improvement is possible. If improvement is possible then there is no reason for me not to believe that achieving a place in my life where the ED has no holds or effects is also possible. It’s simple logic, right?

    I always read your entries, so I am going to try to respond as often as possible as well. Hope it helps. Thinking of you.

    Comment by Amanda G-M | July 26, 2009 | Reply

  4. Thanks for this post. I really hope your right, and that the thoughts can completely dissipate. Your progress so far offers hope 🙂

    Comment by nightgodess | July 31, 2009 | Reply

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