Surfacing After Silence

Life. After.


I guess this is a followup to my previous post, the whole question of “ideal weight.”  

Yes, I do believe that each of us have an ideal weight.  And it’s not one magic number, it’s a range.  And it will change over the course of your life (for a long time I thought that I should weigh the same as I did when I was twelve because I was the same height.  A 32-year-old should not weigh the same as her 12-year-old self).  It will also change over the course of the year, depending on external or internal circumstances.  For me, if I am going through a lot of external changes, this creates stress.  At this point, my body needs a little more weight.  Right now, with cardiac problems as they are, my body needs a little extra weight, ensuring that I heal as quickly and efficiently as possible.

Two people may be the same height and age and yet have different ideal weights.  There is no magic chart, aside from the one insurance companies use to grant or deny coverage.  Two people who are the same age and height may have different metabolic functioning, different bone structure, different activity levels, different muscle composition, different body shapes, etc.  

Who came up with my ideal range?  It wasn’t me, at least not until three or four years ago.  Up until then, I thought I knew my ideal weight, but it was much lower than what I truly needed.  Three years ago I came to the realization that everything I thought was right for me must not be right because it kept landing me in the hospital or ER.  So I let my treatment team determine what was best for me.  And I trusted their judgment.  

Three years later, I can finally say I trust my own judgment.  

You know, some mornings–a lot of mornings–I wake up and I’m not hungry.  So *gasp* I don’t eat breakfast.  But a couple hours later, I know I’ll be hungry and then I tend to have a full meal.  More like a brunch kind of thing.  Sometimes I have meetings to go to and readings to attend and these involve snacks and drinks, so when I get home, I’m not hungry for a full dinner and instead have something light.  Some nights, I don’t feel satisfied with a full dinner and so I look in my kitchen and eat something else. And guess what:  sometimes, when I’m really tired and stressed out on a Friday evening, the last thing I want to do is cook dinner or even go to a restaurant and sit upright and wait for someone to bring me food.  So I go home and curl up on my couch and put in a good movie and eat ice cream. 

Would any of these things be healthy if I did them on a daily basis?  No.  But like my weight, it’s all about balance.  I stay in the range of healthy.  

This is called normal.


July 11, 2009 - Posted by | Eating Disorders | , , , , , ,


  1. I could really relate to this-for a long time I was the same way, stubbornly insisting/believing that just because I was the same height meant that I had to remain the same exact weight despite aging, circumstances etc. Definitely not true and I’m finally ok with that. Anyway, I’m really enjoying reading this thus far, I usually tend to avoid reading stuff related to eating disorders, however this is written in a very different way that is still very open and honest, yet also in a ‘healthy’ way. I’m not sure that entirely makes sense, but either way, its made me reflect upon my own recovery and progress in ways that I have not before, and I’m really glad about that.

    Comment by Emily | July 11, 2009 | Reply

  2. I completely relate. I still have a belief that my ideal weight for my body is something far lower than I logically know it should be…but despite having that belief, I do have the knowledge that my belief is incorrect. As far as the eating thing, I am so glad to see someone who is both in recovery AND able to eat so flexibly. I do the same thing and everyone tells me, “Oh, you’re restricting if you don’t eat breakfast” even though I’m going to eat more later because I’m not hungry, or “Are you bingeing on ice cream?” when I’m just enjoying some because it tastes good and it’s okay to have it. At the end of the day I still end up counting my calories most days (some days I count throughout the day, but otherwise I just count at the end as a reassurance type thing, and I always end up in the same healthy range), but I allow myself to eat what tastes good, what’s good for me, and what feels right at the time.Thanks for sharing this.

    Comment by Jess K | July 11, 2009 | Reply

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