Surfacing After Silence

Life. After.

The Inevitable Beginning


The first post is always so anti-climatic.  How do you begin?  Where do you begin?  Do I introduce myself formally or just start off writing?  How do you actually meet everyone’s expectations?  

I’m just going to start.  This is my blog about The Other Side, the part no one really talks about when they talk about eating disorders.  

Yup, just said it: Eating Disorders.  

I had anorexia.  Notice the verb tense.  Had.  I do not have it.  I am not in remission, on guard against another relapse.  I had anorexia for twelve years.  I’ve been recovered for almost three.

There’s another dangerous word, at least in the world of eating disorders: recovered.  Not in recovery or recovering.  I am 100%, fully and totally recovered.  Some of you will not believe me and it’s not your fault.  A great number of medical and psychiatric professionals do their patients a great world of disservice when they tell them one of two platitudes (both of which I have been told).  The first is that you can’t say you’re recovered until you’ve had seven years (where they pull this number from, I’m only guessing) of symptom free behavior at a healthy weight.  And then you still need to be careful because at any point you can relapse.  The second platitude I was told was that recovering from an eating disorder is impossible, that once you have one, you always have one to some degree.  It will always be there, lurking in the corner of your psyche, waiting to be unleashed at the first sign of stress.

I was told this.  And when I heard it, I thought to myself, “Why even bother trying to get better if I’m always going to be sick?”  It wasn’t until I had a doctor tell me that I could honestly and truly never live with an eating disorder again that I had enough motivation to begin to truly try to recover.  

It’s simple psychology, so I’m not sure why the psychiatrists haven’t caught on.  If you tell someone it’s impossible, how can you possibly expect them to try?  If you tell someone they can try but will always have a compromised life, why should they care?

The reason I’m starting this blog is because I defied those stupid rules.  I didn’t want to live a life looking over my shoulder.  

I really do believe that everyone, wherever they are at in their journey of recovery, needs to learn that silence is never a good thing.  But I think we especially need to hear from people who live free from these disorders.  Because although I had a doctor tell me I could fully recover, he didn’t tell me what would happen once I did.  

In some respects, I didn’t get what I thought.  

But mostly, I got a hell of a lot more than I thought possible.

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July 4, 2009 - Posted by | Eating Disorders | , , , , , , ,

5 Comments »

  1. Lex…keep writing! I was reading, I curled up, I was pulled in and BAM you were done, and I was clicking around looking for more. Keep writing my friend. You are amazing! Love you. This is the beginning of a book-and not a cheesy book…a solid, sound, true book. PLEASE keep writing my friend. Love, K

    Comment by Kiersten | July 4, 2009 | Reply

  2. You are going to rock this. Glad to be along for the ride!

    Comment by Michelle | July 4, 2009 | Reply

  3. I enjoyed your post! Keep writing! Keep on breaking those rules–the drs or whomever (including friends, family, faculty in grad school) have told me that *I* can never be recovered. That, I do NOT believe. While I believe that I may never be totally “normal,” I think that I am emerging into a new normal of choosing healthy, amazing foods, appreciating myself, responding to negative voices, and knowing how to ask for support.

    Comment by imaginenamaste | July 4, 2009 | Reply

  4. I enjoy reading your post, keep posting like this informative article, I’ll be back to read your next posting :). Thanks

    Comment by Bony Joe | July 13, 2009 | Reply

  5. I’m so glad that I’ve known you the past… however many years it’s been. Knowing you has made me realize that full recovery IS possible. Gave me hope, I guess, and something solid to actually strive for. I’m not there yet, but I’m closer than I’ve ever been in 8 years!

    Thanks for showing me it’s possible!!

    Comment by Andi | July 16, 2009 | Reply


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